Hi.

It's going to be okay.

He promised.

Ah, Livejournal.  It's a funny thing.  I feel almost perfectly safe spilling my guts here.  I mean, who's going to find it?  And whoever finds it, probably won't read it.  And if anyone reads it, they probably don't care.  Now I know there are exceptions here and there, but most, if not everyone who reads this, are people from the Lemon Demon forums that added me to their friend lists months ago.  And that's kind of what this is about.

I'm feeling sick.  The kind of sick that you're not really sure if it's because you ate dinner 5 hours ago or because you're on an emotional roller coaster.

Now I know I could talk to James about all this.  And I have.  And I will.  He's ridiculously amazing to me.  Better than I deserve.  But he's heard it a million times before.  All he can really do is tell me that everything will be okay.  And all I can do is try as hard as I can to believe him.  But that doesn't mean I don't need to get it all out on a public blog.

I guess you can say all I really wanted was friends.  And I did have some, here and there.  Twenty minutes away, forty minutes away.  And right where I needed them sometimes.  But only for 7 weeks during the summer.  All I really wanted was friends, and when James came along, my wish came true.

He was perfect.  He still is.  And I'm so in love with him.  And maybe that's the problem.  A problem in the sense that he's a senior.  As are all of his friends.  And when I started dating him, I sort of inherited his friends.  And as time went on, I got to know them.  And we became actual friends.  But I'm a junior.  And now everyone's leaving me.

Sometimes I feel lonely, even though I'm not alone yet.  A lot of the time, I can't help thinking that I won't be able to do this anymore when everyone's gone.  And I'm scared.  Because I don't want to be left alone.  I don't want to be forgotten.  I want to come along, but I can't.  And that kills me. 

And it gets worse and worse.  The closer we come to graduation, the more everyone talks about going to college.  And people are starting to talk to ME about college more and more, which makes me realize how far away I really am.  I'm so far away.

James isn't even going far.  Half an hour without traffic.  But he can't bring a car, and I can't drive yet.  Hell, I don't even have a permit yet.  Why do I need one if everyone else can drive?  For when they leave me, I guess.  Plus, my dad even said he'd pick James up every other weekend, and drive me there on opposite weekends.  I realize it could be so much worse, but right now, even this feels like hell. 

Because weekends are great, but they're not every day.  And no one will be here for me on, say, a Wednesday afternoon if my mom yells at me, and I start crying.  I can't just call James and have him over in 10 minutes, tops.  I can still call him, but it's never really the same as being in his arms, is it?

And I'm trying to change myself.  I'm trying to make myself more independent, so I can handle myself when everyone leaves.  But it's so hard.  It is so fucking hard.

And I guess I'll leave off there.  Because I'm tired, and because I feel like I've written enough to help me sleep tonight.  I might be back in hours, days, months.  Who knows.  For now, here's my soul spilled out on the table.  No use crying over spilled milk.

If James does not call or text me soon, I am going to explode.

As sucky as this Christmas was bound to be, it's not too bad.  Guitar Hero III, the Wii, The Office seasons 1-3, a new digital camera, a Beatles calendar, a keyboard, and a few other odds and ends here and there.  Score.

Go to the Wikipedia home page and click random article. That is your band's name.
Click random article again; that is your album name.
Click random article 15 more times; those are the tracks on your album.

Band: Ahmad Bradshaw
Album: Palmerston Boulevard (Toronto)

Tracks:
1. "Padampur"
2. "Agha Hilaly"
3. "Synchronized Swimming at the 2008 Summer Olympics"
4. "Tom R. Ferguson"
5. "Vijay Bharadwaj"
6. "Meraux, Louisiana"
7. "List of prehistoric mammals"
8. "North Province, Rwanda"
9. "Rainbow drops"
10. "2006 AFL Grand Final"
11. "Grasmere Elementary School"
12. "Hate Them"
13. "Test Drive Le Mans"
14. "Pushkalavati"
15. "Darwin Brewery"

This computer is so fucked up.

Also, I guess no last.fm for me until my birthday because something happened before, and now last.fm won't work at all.  WAIT, I wonder if whatchamacallit will work.  Last.fm's third party software that used to be for iPod scrobbling.  I can deal with no iPod scrobbling.  Ah, I'm too lazy to look for the program right now.  Maybe tomorrow.

My god, I can't wait until my birthday.  Until Monday, even.

afhsdajkhsdjkfhasdf I hate myself.




RIP, John Lennon.

Cross posted to Facebook/MySpace.

Step 1: Put your iTunes or equivalent on random.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 30 songs that play IN A BLOG ENTRY, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 3: Bold out the songs when someone guesses correctly.
Step 4: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING!

Point system:
Song .. 1 point
Band .. 1/2 point
Song + band = 2 points

I'll post the answers in a week. (December 3rd, 2007.)

1. There were bells on a hill, but I never heard them ringing...
2. I know things are getting tougher when you can't get the top off from the bottom of the barrel.
3. It could be ten, but then again, I can't remember half an hour since a quarter to four.
4. I sit around and watch the tube, but nothing's on.
5. My life reads like the classifieds.
6. Alligators, nature's surfboards in the swamp.
7. Do as I say not as I do because the shit's so deep, you can't run away.
8. Let me tell y'all what it's like being male, middle class, and white.
9. Is this the real life?
10. Can't explain all the feelings that you're making me feel.
11. Dear mother, can you hear me whining?
12. It's always nice to look out the window and see those very first few flakes of snow.
13. Hey mister, where you headed?
14. Let me know that I've done wrong when I've known this all along.
15. You took a trip and climbed a tree at Robert Sledge's party.
16. My very existence makes you chew up pencils.
17. We are the lost, the ones forgotten.
18. Well, shake it up, baby, now.
19. Nobody knows my true identity.
20. Can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk?
21. I'm a preacher sweating in the pew for the salvation I'm bringing you.
22. Are you scared to walk through the hallways?
23. Last year's wishes are this year's apologies every last time I come home.
24. Please take me by the hand, it's so cold out tonight.
25. Give us this day our daily dose of full affliction.
26. I don't wanna wake up today 'cause every day's the same.
27. It's a long, long way to December, and I'll never even close my eyes.
28. The drops of rain, they fall all over.
29. You speak to me.  I know this will be temporary.
30. I'm without eyelashes, I noticed, so are you.

Wednesday's field trip was fun, Thursday was sort of depressing, and today I was in a surprisingly good mood for some reason.

Relient K's Christmas CD (Let It Snow Baby... Let It Reindeer) is quite awesome.  Sleigh Ride freezes my iPod at 46 seconds, but the mp3 is fine, so it's just an iPod issue that I'll try to fix tomorrow.  My iPod's terrible.  And so is my phone.  And my camera.  I need all new stuff.

I'm quite happy for a Tuesday.  I'm excited about tomorrow's field trip.  It has the potential to be awesome.  Also, I got a 100 on my biology test, a 100 as my statistics average, and I got my history teacher to postpone our DBQ.  Score.

Speaking of DBQs, I have one due tomorrow, but I'm not going to be there, so I'm not doing it until tomorrow.  I will regret this at a later time, but whatever.

Agh, I'm so tired; I've got a headache.

House is on soon.  Should be good.

So right now I'm pretty much having some sort of sugar rush, even though the only thing I've eaten in the past two hours is a sandwich.  And there's no way to get out my energy at 12:04 am, so I'm pretty much sitting here, typing wayyyy too fast for it to be correct, backspacing almost at least once a word, and akfljdaskjgfdkasfsdlafjsdaklfnsklafjasdkl

Yes.  So back to the original topic.  Why am I so weird?  I have yet to understand this.  I like to generally think that I'm a cool person.  Not cool in the popular sense, but cool in the sense that I would be friends with me.  (The previous statement is untrue; I'm way too annoying for me to ever be friends with me.)

How I know I'm weird reason #1:  I thoroughly enjoy the use of semicolons.  I don't know why; they're simply amazing.

How I know I'm weird reason #2:  I'm making a list of the ways in which I am weird.

How I know I'm weird reason #3:  The way I talk.  I say things like adding "man" to the ends of my sentences, yet I go out of my way to make sure I don't end sentences in prepositions.

How I know I'm weird reason #4:  I'm awake at 12:08 am even though I've got nothing to do, I'm incredibly bored, and I'd probably be more productive asleep.  And I'm tired.

How I know I'm weird reason #5:  I'm incredibly detached from my school.

There are plenty more reasons, but I really don't have the patience right now to think of them.  I'm still sugar rushing.

Why is anyone friends with me?

Why am I so negative about myself?

Is it still low self-esteem if you don't care what other people think about you, you like the main qualities about yourself, but you don't know why anyone's friends with you, and you feel bad complaining about it because you don't want to seem annoying?

hfkadshfksdjhfksdfhaskldjflasdhf

Blah, I was in such a bad mood today.  I almost cried on the bus home from school. =/  Luckily, I was able to hold it in until I got home, but bleh.  And then I couldn't go to Skyla's talent show because my dad was sick and dizzy and afraid to drive, but he just took my sister to the store!  So now I'm having a sucky Friday.

I need to reread Deathly Hallows.  But first I need to finish "I Am America (And So Can You!)."  I've been failing at reading lately.  I never do it.  I just... I should probably go read right now, but I'm too... blech.  But it's good.  "I Am America," I mean.  I like it a lot.  Perhaps I'll read it for a while when I finish writing this.

Speaking of writing, I want to write.  But I can never think of anything to write.  I'm inspirationless.  Boo. 

fjdaofjsdlfsblah.

You know what sucks?  Being lonely.  I guess the closer you get to people, the more lonely you feel when you're not with them.  This also sucks.  And a third thing that sucks is feeling lonely on such a holiday as Halloween.  Not feeling comfortable enough in yourself to wear your costume in school because you're so detached from everyone there is not a good feeling.  Not at all.

It's just... I've made such a subconscious point not to get extremely close to anyone in school.  I didn't even realize I was doing it, didn't even realized it happened until very recently.  I think I always assumed that no one in my school really understood me.  Which is probably true for many of them, but just because everyone in school isn't a geek rock loving, Ben Folds listening, sitcom enjoying nerd doesn't mean that they don't understand me.  Or that they'll make fun of me.  Or that I can't become friends with them.  Right?

I have no idea anymore.  I don't really know anything except that I'm lonely.  And that sucks.



P.S. - This LJ entry is circular, like most of my poems usually are.  I haven't written poetry in such a long time.

I changed my layout for Halloween.  Cute, huh?  It was pretty much the only Halloween one that they had that I liked.

I hate biology labs.

And I'm writing this instead of getting ready to go next door for a party?  Later.

Well, despite the events that happened when I got home yesterday, the events that happened BEFORE I got home were awesome.

We went to the mall and reunioned.  It was pretty awesome.  We went to Johnny Rocket's and I bought a shirt and a mousepad, and I ALMOST bought a fedora.  And Jared tried to kidnap me?  *shrug*  It happens.  Anyways, it was fun and awesome and <33333333.  I thought I'd have more substance to this description, but I honestly can't say anything about it other than it made me really, really happy.

On a Spring Awakening related note, if John Gallagher Jr. leaves the show before I'm able to see it, I'm going to be extremely upset.  And this is probably going to happen.  I'm not saying that I won't completely understand if he leaves because the show is taking a huge toll on him and his voice, and I care about his health more than his role in the show.  But that doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to mourn his departure and the fact that I won't be able to see the show with the man that made Moritz who he is.

Comment and I ...
1 - Tell you why I friended you.
2 - Associate you with something. A fandom, a song, a colour, a piece of fruit. SOMETHING.
3 - Tell you something I like about you.
4 - Tell you a memory I have of you.
5 - Associate you with a character/pairing.
6 - Ask something I've always wanted to know about you. (Or else I'll just ask a random question. I reserve that right.)
7 - Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.
8 - In return, you must spread this disease in your LJ.

Across the Universe is awesome.  And so are the people that I saw it with.  I went to Emily's, and her friend Dorian was there.  She's very cool.  We played truth or dare, and Emily had to give me a massage for a minute while talking about how much she was enjoying it.  Dorian had to moon us, but she refused.  I'm lame and chose truth every time.  We also watched quite a bit of FotC on YouTube.  We had Panera for dinner, and Dorian and I were bread bowl buddies.  Then we went to see Across the Universe, which was awesome.  Except for the annoying girls in front of us who were on their Sidekicks emailing people the whole time.  I really want the soundtrack.  And Jim Sturgess is, like, the cutest guy I've ever seen in my entire life.  Ever.  Um, after the movie, we played Truth or Dare a bit more, and then Dorian had to leave, and Emily's parents had to take me to the Olive Garden to meet my parents, so they could take me home.  We quote FotC the entire way to Olive Garden and somehow managed not to annoy her parents doing it.  Our Kiwi accents are getting very good, and I tend to say "yes" like "yis" a lot in regular life.  I also say "as well" instead of "too" a lot also.

ANYWAY, yesterday was fun.

Um, so, yesterday was amazing.  I love everyone.  There is a depressingly small amount of pictures 'cause my camera's broken, but whatever.

<3

Oh dear god, first day of junior year.  And I had "She's So Hot... BOOM!" stuck in my head all day.  And I hated it.  The school, not the song.  I love the song.

I found quite a few of my friends this morning before homeroom, but I have no classes with any of them.  Blah.  My homeroom teacher is from Australia.  It's quite cool, but I'll only see him, what, five times a year?

First period was okay.  The teacher seems nice enough, and I understood pretty much everything she said in Spanish, which is definitely a plus.  She gave us an essay on the first day, but it was easy enough and didn't take very long.

Second period was okay as well.  Even though the teacher's a nut.  She wore a fairy costume and talked to us like we were four.  I heard she got moved up to the high school because she was talking about things "too mature" for seventh graders.  Ha.  Like we're any more mature.

Third period was okay as well as well.

Fourth period too.

Fifth period started to get suckish.  I kinda sat near people I knew, but they barely talked to me.  And we didn't do anything all class, so I just sat there.  Blah.

Sixth is bio, and I know a few people, but they don't really talk to me?  It's kind of suckish.  And we're going to have to work in groups a lot, so it'll be all awkward.

Seventh is full of stoner kids who don't want to be there.  And two people that I know, but don't talk to me.  Fun.

Eighth was pretty good, though.  Lunch, but Diana and I didn't know anyone besides each other, so we sat at a table by ourselves and ate, and then we went to go visit Miss Meyer.  Which was fun 'cause she's awesome and we missed her.  And I know and talk to Diana.

Ninth was kinda suckish, though, because I only know three people in the class, and they don't really talk to me, but it wasn't as bad as, say, fifth and sixth.

I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL.  DON'T MAKE ME.

The home page says I haven't posted an entry in four weeks, so here goes nothing.

I'm newly obsessed with Bret McKenzie and Flight of the Conchords in general.  Emily and I made a cover band called Fight of the Konkords, and our first order of business is to learn how to play the songs.  That's kinda the most important part of being a cover band.  I'm totally going to start dance fighting when I'm angry.

School in three days.  That's making me angry.  *dances*  I don't want to go back to schooooooool.  *tantrum*

I might do Summer in September.  I'll probably do the writing/college application/SAT essay one.  If I do it.  I think I want to.

I also want a pony, but, y'know.

I think I'm vaguely delusional.  Or maybe more than vaguely.

Sorry this wasn't a very fulfilling entry.  I don't have anything to sayyyy.

*dances*

In camp yesterday I:

• loved life
• was happy
• hugged lots of peoples
• critiqued well in photography
• had a picture that used the rule of thirds
• saw a chipmunk.  It was in our class!
• did nothing in photography
• gave charming points to James
• didn't get into the senior show.  Again.  Fifth times the charm?
• saw Lola's movie
• fretted over my lack of cute jammies
• was called a good friend
• sat on the ledge in assembly.  I felt special?
• used my ice pack for good, not evil
• got to go to chess.  Yay, air conditioning!
• infected everyone in creative writing with AIDS
• infected multiple people in swim with AIDS
• had a moment with Andrew.  A long moment.  A really long, kind of awkward moment.
• played Apples to Apples
• scared away the Apples to Apples players with our anal rape song
• got our own table
• lied down on the table
• was almost sat on by Lauren
• had really big pants
• almost took the aforementioned pants off
• almost borrowed Eli's belt
• almost died going down the swim hill
• did not eat ice cream